it’s earth day.
one of my most favorite days of the year [!] … for one single day … i can walk around picking up trash and no one will judge me.
i’m over here “decluttering” why i give a damn what others think — in all scenarios but especially this one. no one wants garbage on their street. right? my goal is to proudly be the “weirdo” that cleans things up. you’re welcome.
earth day isn’t actually why i’m here. instead, i want to talk about the sun.
a burst of sunshine hit me recently that i MUST capture before it fades.
i started wrestling my thoughts while sitting in a parking lot and continued in my office perch while it snowed … in april … for the first time in st. louis in 77 years. who even know what is going on with the universe anymore.
buckle up… let’s focus on the sun.
- when it crept in
- how more brightness appeared
- learning to send sunshine vs. throwing shade
- and a final burst of light
1. when the sun crept in …
- it was sunday, april 18 [wow. did not even see that one coming!]
- i sat on our kitchen floor to call my sister
- admittedly — this is a weird place to sit but i was thinking about how “we are solar-powered” and plopped down in zealand’s favorite spot to absorb the light
- duh. the sun literally gives us energy
- mands didn’t answer so i took a goofy screenshot … something i do every time she doesn’t answer [which is often because she’s busy saving the world from toxic chemicals … she loves earth day too]
- ok fine … i took three screenshots …
- after firing off my text, i wondered if others find this as fun as i do …
- i jumped on instagram to ask
- an hour later, i got up from my sunny spot on the hard wood having scrolled through 1000+ photos of z and landing on my bird therapy #2 post about finding daylight with my mom …
- after re-sharing my sketch of the sun, i carried on with my day
- my sunny disposition upon re-reading my bird therapy post reinforced where i’ve been placing my energy these past few months: in myself and my mom
needless to say, it was a wonderful sunday … despite the weirdness [and back pain from sitting on the floor.]
2. the brightness …
sunday before falling asleep, i received a message from my former co-worker, cambrin: “I found the note you sent me a year ago while organizing my office!!! About the sun ALWAYS coming out again!”
a) i love organizing
b) i love finding reminders to stay positive
c) i love Cambrin and told her so on the phone the other day without thinking. it was weird. i don’t regret it. turns out, i love love, too.
trying not to dwell on the past but you need the back story …
on april 1, 2020 our team achieved the impossible by launching a site that had been in progress for over seven years. yes, you read that correctly. seven trips around the sun to build an intranet is as weird as it seems.
and i’m the weirdo who chose to clean up the mess with help. why i felt responsible to do this i may never know.
a week after the launch, half of our intranet team was furloughed and ultimately let go. i found out this was happening from cambrin. i was her manager and yet, she was explaining to me that she would no longer work for me. wtf.
by the time my boss called, i assumed i was being let go, too. why else keep me in the dark about my team? [advice for leaders out there … include managers in discussions with their people —> especially if you are terminating their employment… k thx. the feeling of angst and powerlessness is something i will never shake from this experience.]
alas, i was not let go [yet] but i knew if i felt this shitty, imagine how my furloughed teammates must feel. i called both ladies on my team and told them to go outside.
i asked them to sit in the sun with me.
[i must’ve deleted the screenshot i took of that video call and the smiley-face-mug Caroline proudly held despite the obvious heartbreak. here’s two shining examples of our mighty, little team instead.]
circling back to the main story …
cambrin is a pure ray of sunshine. as her manager, i knew if she was acting cloudy something was really wrong and i needed to swoop in. it was literally that simple. she is ALWAYS de-light-ful.
this was as cloudy as it gets. my idea to send gifts celebrating our site launch turned into tokens commemorating an earth-shattering loss. i ordered cambrin a necklace and it arrived a few days later. the necklace most definitely wasn’t the point.
i wanted her to know i cared.
she needed hope.
so i sent her the sun.
knowing the back-story makes it particularly wild that on the exact day i randomly basked in the sun … cambrin was writing about the sunlight i had shared with her in the below facebook post.
the timing was such a bolt of energy it rendered me speechless — AND THEN her reference to “robinness” sent me even more solar power.
we both find ourselves
– MY SUNSHINE MENTEE
saying “man i appreciate
all of the Robinness
we had last time to
keep things moving
and organized!””
[CAMBRIN McCALLISTER | FRESH PEAR DESIGN]
3. sending sunshine vs. throwing shade …
i’d forgotten all about the gift i gave her in light of her furlough …
the sun will rise again
it’s not about setting. it’s about rising.
it’s not about endings. it’s about beginnings.
it’s not about what’s lost.
it’s about what’s found.
truthfully, i had needed these glowing words of hope back then as much as she did. [which i didn’t realize at the time]
while ordering the necklace, i had scribbled the words on a post-it. the same post-it’s used to plan and launch the website. giving them new life. giving them new hope. [which i didn’t realize at the time]
it was my way of reinforcing the positive instead of focusing on the pain.[also didn’t realize this at the time]
it was my way of rewriting the story. [again, no clue i was doing this]
most importantly, it was the beginning of turning back towards my art during a difficult time. i didn’t overthink it. i followed my heart. i turned towards the light. [something i hadn’t done in years]
the post-its started piling up. in january, i sent out them to anyone who might benefit from the words. [pretty sure i sent cambrin more sun]
they were my glimmers of hope. [i no longer need them because i’m writing more and drawing them too … ]
cambrin took the above picture of me and the wall we created to accomplish the task that so many had failed at. i wouldn’t let her put it up on the actual site at launch with the other pictures celebrating our team. it was too goofy i thought. too weird.
i FINALLY understand that this weirdness is my robinness.
fireworks went off in my head… they looked like this …
she [publicly] gave me permission
to keep being me.the complete opposite
of throwing shade.she sent me sunshine.
if you’ve been reading my (un)lucky stories, you’re aware that i overthink am thoughtful about everything … and i’m attempting to editing these negative thoughts.
i’m not unlucky [hence the un being crossed out in the logo]… that’s merely the dark narrative in my head and this blog has evolved to become about re-writing my story to be lighter. i’m rebranding myself this time.
first my thoughts … and then my actions.
i collect things, piece together ideas and gather information in order to create a nest. it takes time. it takes patience.
that is my robinness and it’s worth the effort.
it burns me out. it lights me up!it’s overhwhelming. it’s ALWAYS glowing.
it’s overcomplicated illuminating.
it connects crazy, weird narratives.
[THIS IS A GOOD THING!]
it’s exhausting. it’s exhilarating.
i build
– AN
beautiful nests …
of life’s
beautiful mess.UNLUCKY BIRD
this is the thought i was capturing while sitting in the driver’s seat. my friend casey [not to be confused with my husband] thought it was so weird wonderful that she captured the light [aka took a picture.]
she’s my unofficial photographer. she’s amazing. find her @candleflystudio … [ahem, this is me sending sunshine.]
putting action behind my words.
creating nests …
4. my final burst of light…
while writing this post, i looked back and found that earth day April 22, 2020 was the first day of drawing with my mom. in a year we’ve drawn 117 pictures. the above nest was #43.
unfortunately, that sketch isn’t a robin’s nest. those are morning doves. others might not care but i do. that’s the damn robinness again.
our 43rd sketch is without a doubt my favorite. it has come to symbolize so much as the world starts to open up again and a new spring has sprung.
it also helped me realize that my nests aren’t for everyone.
not everyone appreciates my robinness and that’s ok.
not everyone will value it the same either. also ok.
and specifically, this nest.
these morning doves.
this sketch is only for me and my mom.
because for a few months there, it was just the two of us.
waiting for the sun.
in may, she’s moving to her new nest during my next migration to wisconsin. we’ll be driving north. not flying. that’s ok, too.
in june, i’ll be applying what the past year with my mom has taught me to start a new journey as a Clear & Cultivate life coach. i get to put my leadership skills back to use while continuing to soar towards the light.
hoping to find others want to fly with me.
[bird note: while drafting this post Derek Chauvin was pronounced guilty on all three charges against him for the murder of George Floyd … another glimmer of hope the world needed. while one ray of sunshine can not make up for a lifetime of darkness, at least there one less piece of garbage on the streets.]
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