[BIRD NOTE: i started writing this in january but never posted it … because… duh … i was afraid. every time i start to see daylight the darkness creeps in so below is my attempt to fly into the eye of the storm. my fears.]

i woke up to a puking dog this morning.

upon close inspection, i didn’t see anything unusual. so i cleaned it up… and started my day.

simple. right?

moving on? wrong.

in my head it was anything but simple…

this was the third puke by our 6-month old puppy in a week.
once in tennessee.
once during the first night back in st. louis.
now this latest one coming up [pun intended… pun always intended] after another dog “got her” in the eye. a bite that left three infected, puss-ing [apparently not a word] scratches that required an emergency vet visit, 3 types of drugs and the dreaded cone of shame.

so i after wiping up the puke from the inside the plastic ring blocking her from licking the painfully gross eye … all i could think was … what is wrong with Zealand?
my warrior princess.

it ruined my day. it consumed my week. it was all i could talk about to anyone that would listen. while simultaneously telling everyone that zealand was fine, i was questioning whether i was fine.

she easily recovered. there was no more puke. no more eye puss-ing. she was back to her bad-ass, fearless self but i was left wondering…

why do i get so consumed with what i’m afraid of that it renders me helpless? (from dogs to art)
– AN ANXIOUS BIRD

january’s debilitating fear …

a couple weeks before the puking, i was snuggled up in the corner of “our bedroom” in tennessee, i listened to a zoom call about alter-egos – aka envisioning the character we want to be.

it was week one of staying with my father-in-law to help his physical recovery from a broken leg and hand. the man was down two limbs and on the mend but it will take WAY more than a couple of weeks for ALL of us to emotionally recover from the impact of his fall. especially me.

i was half-way listening to the workshop as the vision of my super hero alter-ego immediately took shape. “i want to be more like Z.”

name: Zealand Warrior Princess

inspirational person(s): Serena Williams, RBG, Michelle Obama, Maya Angelou, Charleze Theron

inspirational character(s): Jem (& the Holograms), Cat Woman, Xena, Sasha Fierce, Mary Poppins

inspirational animal(s): Little Miss Zealand [our black mini-aussie shepherd] + a mockingjay [the fiercest bird of all … obviously]

i thought about how my inner-warrior-princess must be losing her damn mind watching my recent struggles with anxiety and depression ~~since the christmas eve accident~~ ~~since losing my job in covid~~ since high school. she doesn’t worry. she acts. she springs into action.

while still on the call, i sketched the eyes above without hesitation [something i can rarely do when it comes to art.] i referenced a photo of Zealand’s eyes – knowing i was thinking of my own.

the drawing was easy. sharing it with the other ladies on the call was the hard part. i did it anyway.

i kept going. fighting the urge to hang up.

you ARE your alter-ego.
they ARE you.
not someone you want to be.
the person you “pretend” to be
during life’s difficult moments is …
[drumroll]
who. you. are.
– patty (our cultivate club coach)

wait.

what???

i had literally never thought it is that way. i thought when i was speaking at graduation or presenting to a large group of executives or flying high in the clouds to far away lands, i was putting on armor to be some invincible character who could face these mighty winds with ease. then i would take off the costume and transform back into my awkward, giggly self again when it was over.

all of a sudden this paragraph came POURING out of me…

Zealand Warrior Princess is willing to do what’s necessary in the fight for her life with confidence and conviction – but always honorable. she competes at the highest level with all eyes on her and doesn’t flinch. not afraid to flex her muscles or show her strength. she is willing to approach anyone, yet, when necessary, she chooses herself. always looking towards what’s next and ALWAYS ready for whatever is thrown her way.

[strange enough my middle-of-nowhere-tennessee internet cut out mid-call so i missed everyone else’s shares … but i got back online just in time to share what i had crafted for my alter-ego.]

i sat there after the call wrapped and created this pinterest board with a brand new perspective on “who i was.”

december fears …

i’ve questioned for a really long time what i’m so afraid of. i’m so used to being afraid all the time that it became my normal and i couldn’t even articulate those feelings. this is what anxiety looks like. operating in survival-mode becomes the daily existence. i was afraid of literally everything while simultaneously “thriving.”

my fear is not what’s stopping me.

or is it?

it took me ~~weeks~~ ~~months~~ ~~years~~ a lifetime to write these fears into my journal.

it took me mere minutes to “rewrite” them … and i was so excited about it i texted pictures to numerous friends … and then went back to my regularly scheduled work-day.

my fear today …

it’s now july 2, 2021 and there was a workshop last week about fears that i didn’t attend. i’ve been facing all of my fears for months. i didn’t need to talk about them. i want action.

today is also Zealand’s one year birthday. so fitting that i finally finish and publish this post.

like i planned it. i didn’t.

last week i puked from anxiety and stress of what was happening in my life. i don’t want to do that anymore. it was the first time i understood what was happening.

i used to puke from migraines a handful of time’s every year. i figured i hadn’t drank enough water that day. [i didn’t.] or i hadn’t eat enough food [oops forgot to eat..] or maybe i was in front of the computer screen too long [i’m always in front of screens too long.]

or likely all three.

because i was stressed.

from work.

from 12-13 hour days.

from 70-hour weeks.

i wasn’t afraid to work hard.
that has always been a given.
that was never what i was afraid of.

but who was i working for?
who was most benefiting from my struggle?

i was so afraid of letting others down that i would constantly let myself down. i would fight battles i didn’t need to be fighting. i would bravely face challenges for others that they should be confronting on their own.

i’m still learning to set boundaries. i’m still learning when to pick up my armor. [clearly. see above sentence about puking last week … a story for another day.]