last night i had a bomb dropped on me.
this morning i woke up ready to fight back.

then i paused to understand and strategize [like i always do]:
… what am i hoping to achieve?
… what do i want the response to be?
… and most importantly, will throwing more bombs help me?

let’s answer that last one. it won’t. it will only cause more destruction. many of us don’t have the privilege (or stomach) to always “blow up” when bombs are thrown … we must absorb the impact and persevere.

last week i exploded [personally]
so this week i shall persevere [professionally]

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the professional bomb

first of all, let me explain that i remember everything i create. every. thing. it’s a blessing and a curse. letting go is an ever-present challenge for me –especially when i didn’t control the blast.

last night, i found out that my recent work is being blatantly plagiarized by my former boss. unless i’m missing something, a person that made my life miserable for months [a story for another day] is taking credit for my efforts with a pdf that appears to
1) shows (my) designs (and the teams) as his own – including a behavioral science curriculum he didn’t touch,
2) displays (my) brand architecture that he had nothing to do with and essentially disregarded for months and
3) lists (my) projects that were completed before he was hired.

i understand that leadership can claim responsibility for the work of those under them, but this is egregious and shameful. the phrasing does very little but imply complete ownership and execution for ideas and designs that are not his.

this is simply another example of being (un)professional, it feels extremely personal. his tactics didn’t surprise me, yet, i was furious. [i am furious.]

instead of rushing into battle:
… i deleted linkedin from my phone …
… i confirmed (again) that he was blocked on all other social media after he reported my anti-racism post to human resources and lied about it …
… and finally …
… i fell asleep thinking about how to defuse the situation and visualizing a bomb i drew in 2003.

who’s brain works like that? mine.

it’s explosive and impactful.

this morning, i dug through the trenches for my Drawing II sketchbook from college and snapped a pic of an illustration i drew 17 years [!] ago [ironically on a spread with hearts] and sat down to channel my frustrations with a puppy on my lap.

• 

• 

• 

the words on the sketch:
where do a i go from here?

how do you hold others to be accountable for their actions?
short answer: you can’t. we are only responsible for our own.

i want to fight fire with fire – but that’s not always possible – or worthwhile. when i first became a manager in my 20s, i admit that i wasn’t ready but i had a great mentor. i read the book “First Break All the Rules.” it lit my passion for leading, but i’ve learned so much since then and now, years later, i realize others are playing with a different set of rules.

so what am i going to do with this new, evolved, 36yo perspective?

f them.
f = forget

what did you think
the F stood for?

i will fly above the carnage and wreckage… “when others are going so low, does going high still work?” michelle obama said it better than i ever could:

so even though my rage is still smoldering and someone is actively stealing my ammunition, i will focus on my truth.

my flight pattern.

my personal stories.

let’s start with the explosion that really matters…

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my personal explosion

often to my own detriment, i lead from a place of courage and love; often putting the needs of others before my own.

that approach blew up in my face while continuing to “write” #thestonehousestory last week.

not wanting to dwell on details as we repair the damage and wounds — long story short — i lost my shit but it was the blast we all needed.

in a 6 minute exchange with my brother-in-law j, my demeanor went from hopeful and optimistic to a full unapologetic rage full of f-bombs. [yes. the buzz word was fuck this time.]

because i resort to humor in time’s of distress, here’s a visual…

j was the direct target but the blast was resounding.
casey was shell-shocked.
q was rendered speechless.
i was shattered.

mands and my mom were also hit with the shrapnel and responded to the front lines.

they all might read this and relive the pain. i hope they do. i will. the silver lining is that the blast brought us back on the same side – fighting the same war. why should i carry the entire burden? we love each other after all.

what was the reason for the eruption?

my intent was being questioned by the very person i thought i was helping the most. [hmmmm … sounds curiously familiar to the past year at Maritz.] it was so painful and hurtful to be confronted with the idea that i was failing those i hoped to lift up.

it forced me to confront that even though i see the big picture at all times, when someone drops a grenade in my path it can be devastating [professionally and personally] … AND often those disrupting things, aren’t considering the ridiculous all-encompassing strategy i’ve mapped out. they aren’t thinking of me at all. they are merely worried about themselves – as most people are.

i am not most people.

casey and i had paused our lives for yet another a trip to WI to emotionally and physically labor on projects at the stonehouse — delaying personal goals like posting #inktober illustrations on instagram — to face a war raging in Green Bay.

unfortunately, i don’t mean the COVID war being reported by the New York Times or Washington Post. we knew traveling into such dangerous territory was a risk and did it anyway. this time it back-fired.

we have all been navigating a shit ton of mine fields lately but i’ve been fighting a perpetual war for nearly 4 years since Harvey’s passing, 10+ years, my entire life. my priority has always been healing my family. my outburst might’ve finally made that clear.

deep down my hope is that the stonehouse is the final battle. at least that’s how i drew things up.

my conclusion … also known as a #knowledgebomb?

you might want to throw f-bombs but it’s better to take a breath, channel that rage, assess the actual damage and revisit your battle plans.

just take a look at what i wrote in 2014 …

and reinforced in 2018 …

basically, after this fight i finally realized that my life is this quote from coyote ugly:

the bombs will keep falling.
i will stay the course.