i’m sitting on my front porch locked out of my house writing this blog post. i can hear the helicopters buzzing overhead. it’s the same sound we heard on wednesday of last week and the saturday before.

it has been two weeks of buzzing in st. louis.

it has been years of buzzing in st. louis.

it has been decades and centuries of buzzing in specific communities and finally the buzz is literally everywhere.

[disclaimer this is a long one … i hope you’ll walk with me to the end]

people are taking to the streets to protest [during a pandemic] in numbers and cities that the world has never seen [!]. urging everyone to listen. urging everyone to speak up. urging us to be ally’s in fighting this fire that’s been burning within for generations.

are you listening?
listening to the pain in their hearts.
listening to their voices shaking in anger.
listening to their cries through the tears.
listening to the need for change.
do you hear it?

i do.

but i am not out there.

i am right here. writing. listening to the buzz of helicopters.

searching for words that will tell the story in a different way.

hoping beyond hope to build some sort of understanding for those that are truly listening and asking questions for the first time in their lives.

looking through images that will resonate with even one person who is not yet fully hearing the hurt outside of their own.

something that will light new fires. [metaphorical fires, of course, but ultimately, i would place value on a man’s life over property. is that where we differ?]

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i heard the helicopters in 2017
[i was out there]

why didn’t i post about this then?

truth: i was afraid.

i marched beside people who were fully masked in fear that being recognized would cost them their jobs. others had bandanas to impede being identified because it could cost them their life.

the police showed up in buses. in full riot gear to respond to the peaceful protests hoping to raise awareness to injustices.

that’s terrifying.

whelp, i’m not afraid anymore.

nothing is more important than facing that fear.

facing this fire.

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if you attend a protest and go home and do nothing — that’s not good enough. the protests are merely the beginning to shed light on the suffering and prove those struggling are not alone. we need a fire at our feet to move to action. we feel awful for being scared and not doing more to help change hearts and mind years ago, but we’re doing more now.

more people are marching than ever before, but more importantly, more people are truly listening for the first time. that gives me hope that this time is different.

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so why am i not marching?

because i’ve seen that flame and have my fire inside. i want to see what else i can do that lingers beyond an afternoon.

my friend emily and i brainstormed ideas and found inspiration in each other while walking for two hours through forest park. we made a plan to walk again.

my best friend casey set up a gathering in her backyard before the st. louis protest [yes, i actually have three “best casey’s.”] we discussed actions to take in addition to attending the march while eating the perfectly motivating muffins called “the rebel within.”

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i came with my ideas. because that’s what i do. i connect the dots to make the biggest impact. my magenta facemask matched my bright pink pants and matched the fire inside me.

we drove downtown, but instead of parking and marching, i dropped my friends off and drove back home. the pit in my stomach grew as i got further from the people filling the streets. i should be out there. i should be fighting. i should turn around.

i’m “should”ing all over myself. we are all.

i could say i was scared of covid. that’s half true. mostly, i wanted more time to sit with the fire inside me and focus on the ideas burning.

there are more voices than ever in the streets and we need to find other ways to keep lighting fires everywhere.

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here are my ideas so far:

1. start a monthly book club with my sisters and friends around the world focused on black lives matter topics and facing racism ✓
2. paint a mural on the pre-school in our neighborhood that is begging for an inspiring burst on the side of the building [in progress]
3. start a walking club that meets weekly and commits to discussing change and taking action ✓
4. research the term “cop out” and better understand its origin and significance after reading about “going postal”
5. encourage strangers on the street ✓
6. help companies better define building inclusion vs. surface-level diversity initiatives [tbd]
7. ask my videographer friends to create films that have white men and children saying the names of the victims of injustice ✓
8. answer a list of 6 questions to better understand the confusion of those not hearing the same story [in progress]
9. create graphics showcasing the phases a white person must go through in order to not simply admit racism exists but actually begin to confront it [in progress]
10. finish drawing my image of a protest based on my picture in 2017 and tell the story i never made time for three years ago [stay tuned!]
    

i’m not “out there on the streets” this time … but they are for the first time.

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are you?

if not, why not?

i would like to listen to your answer [as the helicopters buzz overhead.]