yesterday i called my mom around noon as i have nearly every day since April 22nd because of COVID and social distancing. i live in a different state from my mom and have never felt closer to her.

we draw together. we talk if there is something to say but we mostly just draw.

for anyone that has met my mom, sitting with her in silence is not the norm. she talks the ear off of anyone around her whether they are listening or not.

yesterday was different. i was fired up when i got on the phone.

yesterday morning i woke up at 6:30am [not the norm] because i couldn’t sleep [totally the norm.] i had a text from my best friend living in shanghai, china that merely said:

“holy fuck how are you doing?”

i immediately checked the news – dreading the worst for the city of st. louis. the place i call home.

• main headline: 4 officers have been shot
• the footage shows military-style police formations on the block where we used to live downtown
• “Several stores on Tucker Boulevard and Washington Avenue were burglarized and vandalized, including Fresh Image, a frozen yogurt store, and Sprint and Boost stores.”
• this is my back yard

but here’s the thing, i am not angry about the destruction of property. and while i feel awful, terrible, sick that cops were shot, they choose to wear a badge every day.

one of their own who had been sited for issues 17 times (!) – like countless before him – kneeled on the throat of an innocent man during the arrest of a petty crime.

for ~9 minutes.

on video.

while 3 of his partners – who swore to serve AND protect – stood and watched. and did nothing. nothing. watched a murder.

and a man died.

he couldn’t breath.

i can’t breath.

so i draw.

i asked my friend ellie, “what image should i draw that would make you feel better?” ellie and i were texting all morning. ellie is afraid to leave her apartment. ellie is proudly black. i want to be as brave as ellie.

ellie’s response: “Oooh. Something that evokes conversation. Nothing literal. Something that shows solidarity and unity and strength.”

i sent my mom 6 pictures to choose from and spelled out ellie’s criteria. she called my dad into the kitchen. we looked at the pictures together. a couple were too literal with “black lives matter” signs from a protest i attended 2 years ago. [which my dad had encouraged me to do. “get out there rob!”]

we talked about how they marched for these same issues over 50 years ago when they were my age. before they were my age.

---

“we fought for the same damn thing.”
– my dad

“i like the city street in protest.
but let’s do the fire pit first.
to warm up.”
– my mom

---

this is the picture my mom chose to draw and how we each chose to represent it.

at the heart is this message:

stop looking at the fire.
start looking at the source
of the flame.

• 

• 

i taught my mom
to use the tablet to video chat.
she taught me how to draw.
and how to talk.
and how to speak out.
and like she said, we are
“just getting warmed up.”

---

for anyone out there that doesn’t think their voice matters.

it does.

your kids are listening. i am grateful to my parents for leading by example. for starting the fire within me and encouraging me to let it burn.

by the way… it’s my parent’s anniversary today. 42 years of burning alongside each other and inspiring me to do the same.

• 

•