christmas eve of 2019, i had my first full blown panic attack.

christmas eve of 2020, my father-in-law broke his femur in our backyard.

sincere question: should i stop celebrating christmas?

the answer is an obvious no. or at least it seems obvious if you’re willing to look back and see the positive reasons to continue. if you’re willing to learn from the experience. if you’re willing to believe that hindsight is 2020.

the panic attack happened in the back of a panera bread in lombard, illinois. while my husband visited his best friend who had been released from prison [whom i wasn’t ready to see and forgive]. last week i asked casey if he knew that had happened. he didn’t remember.

so … either i A) didn’t tell the man i tell everything?

or … B) downplayed the severity of that moment … and carried the burden of that miserable hour on my own into the holiday dinner with his family that evening … and then stayed buttoned up through our weeklong holiday visit to tennessee for my very first christmas outside of wisconsin [without seeing my family] … and of course, buried it for the entire year until now.

two guesses of which is more likely.

i’m not keeping it in any longer. i’m sharing it with you. thanks for being here. this seems to be the only thing really helping me right [write?] now.

in the aftermath of this awful holiday season miserable year, 2020 will go down in infamy but here’s what i learned to see when looking back:

1. i am a RECOVERING perfectionist
2. i can not be alone do not want to be alone
3. it’s ok to rest

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lesson 1: i am a recovering perfectionist

perfectionism should be a diagnosed term that we help people overcome because it is debilitating … and it is tied to shame [another brene brown reference]. two topics NO ONE willingly talks about. so i will. i suffer from both equally. the perfectionism stems from the shame and ultimately makes it worse. i can’t quite articulate my personal shame — yet but i know it shows up in the form of self-criticism, comparison and the good ol’ imposter syndrome –– symptoms i have bundled into a nice little package of avoidance. we all do.

we zip it up.
we pack it away.
we hide it as best we can.

here’s the thing. eventually that shit is going to come out.

last year mine showed up with a panic attack. this year it came in the form of christmas cards. let me explain…

i had the idea to use our holiday cards to announce my new business to friends and family. brilliant. that’s who i want to have my art first. it forced me to nail down the language.

i made a plan and zipped through picking out designs [tied to the new year’s for a buffer.] we updated our addressed, got them ordered, and even bought stamps to match. everything arrived. i loved them. it was coming together perfectly.

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then life happened and it all unzipped.

my mistake: i didn’t tell casey about the BIG reveal. he assumed [rightly so] that they were normal christmas cards. when ready to send everything, i silently freaked out. procrastinating. avoiding. delaying. zipping up. because i didn’t explain what was happening, instead of supporting me – he got frustrated. he had zero clue how these simple cards tied to: launching a business, explaining my “product,” and being vulnerable by adding my art … a.k.a. opening my heart.

[in hindsight … this is exactly what happened with our wedding thank you’s and why they took me nearly a year to get out the door. huh.]

my solution: i’m finishing up the cards and getting them out the door. DONE is better than perfect. no one cares when they arrive and honestly it’s so completely “on brand” for me to be late that it’s almost better this way. let’s pretend this “zip-up” was just my attempt to stand out from the crowd.

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lesson 2: i can not be alone do not want to be alone

social distancing has been unbelievably hard for me [ahem] for ALL of us. i’m at my best when zipping around people — ideas buzzing in the air and feeding off each other’s energy.

maybe this is because i’m the third child [?] and was rarely – if ever – alone my entire youth. i had a best friend and 16-months older sister beside me + a best friend and 5 years-older sister protecting me ++ a best friend and 7 years-older cousin [basically sister] paving the way for all of us.

the evil cousins, remember? can you tell we’re related?

this desire to involve others also feeds into creating art. there’s got to be a reason i only started drawing again with my mom on the other side of a tablet [a.k.a. bird therapy]. it’s always been about people as much as it’s been about the art. don’t get me wrong. i love drawing but combining it with therapy and stories. i love that more.

my mistake: not setting up more call like the above more often. not being more explicit in my need for weekly “gatherings” of some sort.

[in hindsight … i’ve always enjoyed yoga classes more than practicing alone … why would following my passion be any different.]

my solution: admitting that surrounding myself with others is a choice. it’s not a flaw. a weakness. i now have z beside me. i’m pulling my sister Q in to be my project manager with regular check-ins. i signed up for a year-long self-care accountability “cultivate club” through clear & cultivate to help me hone in on what matters and have consistent interactions with an amazing group of women. plus, i’m a founding member. it’s pretty amazing to be a part of something at the VERY beginning while i unzip my new path.

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lesson 3: it’s ok to rest

i’ve been zipping around the world and around various groups of friends for the better part of my life. that has served me well. i worked so hard to reach my goal of being a creative director by the time i was 30 that i never stopped to consider what was next.

even once i had my “new flight pattern” and knew i wanted to pursue art … wrote a biz plan … had pilot product scenarios … i couldn’t take off … until after the holidays, after the new year, after i did this or after i did that. meanwhile i was actually flying the whole damn time.

my mistake: an unwillingness to myself that it’s ok to rest AND redefining what rest actually means. resting means staying in one place. letting my mind ease. it’s going to take me a while to get used to both of these. but ultimately resting isn’t negative. it’s a necessity.

[in hindsight … i had a major revelation on this topic that warrants it’s own post or this one will go on forever … ]

my solution: always pairing a negative with a positive. for example, i made a list of all the things i had “stopped doing” during social distancing after casey pointed out i hadn’t worn my grandma’s necklace in a while. immediately i started thinking of all that i DID do and suddenly the list of limitations and frustrations became choices and accomplishments.

just depends on how you look at it.
hindsight is 2020.

that about zips it up.

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